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Like millions of others in this wonderful world that we live in, I was bullied in school. I'm not whining about it ... indeed, it made me stronger in these current days.
I'd like to discuss the bullying of children first, especially in school. Bullying is a behavior that includes a whole range of actions that cause physical or emotional pain, from spreading rumors to intentional exclusion, to physical abuse. It can be subtle and many children don’t tell their parents or teachers about it out of fear of shame or retribution. Children may also fear they won’t be taken seriously if they report being bullied. Parents, teachers, and other adults must constantly look for bullying behaviors.
Some warning signs that your child is being bullied include:
unexplained cuts or bruises
damaged or missing clothing, books, school supplies, or other belongings
loss of appetite
trouble sleeping
emotionally reticent
taking unnecessarily long routes to school
sudden poor performance or loss of interest in schoolwork
no longer wanting to hang out with friends
asking to stay home sick because of frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other ailments
social anxiety or low self-esteem
feeling moody or depressed
any unexplained change in behavior
Bullying hurts everyone, including:
the bully
the target
the people who witness it
anyone else connected to it
Being bullied can lead to negative health and emotional issues, including:
depression and anxiety
changes in sleep and eating
loss of interest in activities once enjoyed
health issues
decrease in academic achievement and school participation
The first thing to do if you notice that something’s wrong with your child is to talk to them. The most important thing you can do for a bullied child is to validate the situation. Pay attention to your child’s feelings and let them know that you care. You may not be able to solve all their problems but they must know they can count on you for support.
I will readily admit that each day after I dropped my son off at school I would park across from the playground and watch him until the bell rang for the kids to go in. I did this so I could at least know that he got a safe start to his day. I learned early on that I could not let him walk home by himself and taking the bus was out of the question. He would not have been safe. Luckily, Dallas was able to talk to me, if not his father. It's still that way.
Bullying is a learned behavior., and my kids had it rough from both myself and their fathers. I and my husbands were all bullied as children and adults and, sadly, it showed in the parenting of our children. I've discussed this at length with my son, and he has shared with me that I was in no way as bad as his father, though, so I can take comfort in that. Since my first husband was an alcoholic, I am not sure how my daughter would feel if she and I were in any type of contact. I can only hope that she has healthily raised her own children.
Children pick up antisocial behaviors like bullying from adult role models, parents, teachers, and the media. Be a positive role model and teach your child good social behavior from an early age. Your child is less likely to enter damaging or hurtful relationships if you as their parent avoid negative associations.
The 'experts' say that if your child is being bullied, at school, it’s important you don’t confront the bully or the bully’s parent yourself. They warn that it could be dangerous, etc., ... the 'experts' say to depend on the teachers, counselors, and administrators who supposedly have information and resources to help determine the appropriate course of action.
While I understand this concept, my experience with the 'experts' from the time my son was in pre-school until college, he was bullied. I'll pick just one reason ... he was gay. His father and I discussed it, tried to calm him each day, tried to work with his teachers and principals, and finally ended up talking even once to the head school counselor who was a psychiatrist.
My son had been constantly blamed for defending himself when he was subjected to many different types of physical and verbal abuse. I'll not describe these types of abuse to preserve Dallas' privacy. He defended himself because he had our permission to do so. He also took the detentions which were heaped upon him. That was a small price to pay.
The children were not at fault, I eventually learned ... it was the parents who were so homophobic they taught this behavior to their children and encouraged them to bully gay people. I realized this too late, but when I did, I confronted a few of the parents myself.
Oh, yeah, that school psychiatrist I mentioned? He told me that I should get my son mental help because (and I quote his exact words) "HE MIGHT BE GAY." I told him that was an ignorant response and he had no business working around children. My son somehow made it through elementary school, high school and college. He eventually stopped fighting and learned to ignore the bullies, but he had his parents' support in whatever he had to do, because he had to survive.
Now, let's look at how bullying affects adults. Determining whether to shrug something off or take action, you should consider how it’s affecting you. If someone’s sniping is a minor annoyance, let it be. If, however, you’re losing sleep, you hate going to work, or you’re feeling depressed or unworthy because of the way someone’s treating you, then you need to do something.
I’m not a big fan of the ‘ignore it’ school of thought. I think ignoring it reinforces a sense of powerlessness in the target. So if someone’s belittling, humiliating, or insulting you at work or in your friend group, and it’s making you upset, it’s time to address it.
If you are going to complain about someone who is bullying you or your boss or workplace that isn't helping you out, just make sure that you realize that what is put out there on the internet is there FOREVER. Don't trash your co-workers or your boss, because you never know who will see it. The same goes for putting your negative thoughts into an email. Once you hit the SEND button, your private thoughts are now basically in the public domain.
In my career as a medical office manager, part of my duties involved the hiring and termination of employees. Back then, we did not use the internet to check references. I suppose we could have, but we had not embraced that technology yet. If it was available, I'm not sure I would have used it, anyway, because all of us have past shit in our lives and unless there is a pattern, I do not believe people should be judged by a machine. Human judgment, in my opinion, should never be replaced by a machine.
You can actually Google my name (Cindy Martin) or Darkmum Dearest and you may find things I've written regarding past disputes I've had with online bullies. I've read it all. I had to respond to the cyberbullying (of which I still have proof and is still actually online, as well) because no one else was willing to stand up for me. As it has always been, I stood up for myself, and am the stronger for having done that. Nothing is out there that I regret writing.
I wish people would ask me more questions about the situations rather than make nasty and incorrect assumptions, but the 'herd mentality' seems to still be the preferred norm. Hopefully, while I am still alive, I will get a real chance to have my side of the story taken seriously. If not, at least I still have my blog. It is mine and the bullies are not welcome here, therefore they cannot bully me.
Often when someone experiences bullying the biggest burning question is, 'why is this happening to me?' But most bullying comes from a bully’s issues, not from any characteristics of the victim. Bullying isn’t about you in particular,, and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. Bullying can hurt, but remember — whether you’re in the lunchroom, the nursing home, or anywhere in between, the bully’s the one with the problem, not you.
The solution ... from my personal experience? You have two. You can fight back, but that comes with the danger of personal injury (much better to hit them in the wallet) ... or you can ignore the bully. That latter makes much more sense.
Why would you want a bully in your life, anyway?
Darkmum
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