It seems that there are some people in this good old world who have the impression that I am a narcissist. I was actually concerned for many years that I may have been a narcissist (when you hear something enough, you start to believe it) but I have discovered, in the past thirteen years since my last divorce, that I am most definitely NOT. This title was heaped upon me as part of the emotional abuse I suffered from some friends and even some family who were, sadly, too uninformed about the subject of this blog post to tell the difference. Whiile I cannot help them, I can put down in writing what I now know to be true. It helps ME.
I have the condition of knowing my own self-worth, and I do have high self-esteem. I am not a psychologist, but I'm going to explain things that go on on my mind as I understand it ... even though it is coming from a woman who has been called a narcissist (and worse) in the past. It's kind of odd that people don't know the difference, but I actually went to the world of science and psychology to explore the differences, just so no one could accuse me of making this all up. I scoured the internet, and then had a good look within myself.
I am not just copy/pasting this information, but am taking it all in and presenting it to you as I see how it applies to my life. I think we first need to look at the real difference between narcissism and self-esteem. Keep in mind that I am merely playing 'armchair scientist and psychologist' today, and am not attempting to actually give the impression that I am a professional in either of these fields.
In fact, I have only been to therapy enough to know that I should have started long ago, if I was going to go that route. I have always been willing to go to 'family therapy' with my children and husbands ... even friends if that were to be necessary. The most painful lesson I learned, and the most telling, is that therapy can make many situations worse. If all parties are not willing to get through the pain of digging deep so they can begin the healing process, the best therapists in the world cannot be helpful, but there are many therapists who are simply BAD at their jobs and can cause lasting scars on the lives of others.
I think I shall go back to the roots of narcissism as most of us know it. As the mythology goes, 'Narcissus' fell in love so much with his own reflection in a pool of water that he was unable to do anything else but admire himself. Eventually, he withered away and died staring at his reflection. Did 'Narcissus' have excessively high self-esteem? Was that his main issue? Or was it something else? For many years, psychologists and the media alike have treated narcissism as representing 'inflated self-esteem.'
'Narcissus' ... figure of narcissism or high self-esteem?
However, I posit that there are challenges to this view. I believe that narcissism differs vastly from self-esteem. I believe that, as in my own case, our feelings of self-worth develop in childhood with our parents shaping this in their reinforcement of our achievements or our failings, and then those feelings of self-worth truly peak during our teenage years.
IHere are some examples, and please do not think I am bragging on myself. I am only trying to help you understand in the same way it all finally made sense to me. Words sritten in a text message, an email or a blog post do not have the same impact as if I was talking to you in person. There is nothing I can do to remedy that except hope that you will understand and give me the benefit of your wisdom.
In my own teen life, I was first in my class in high school. Much ado was made about my standing in my young life. I was given multiple awards, a huge private party upon graduation, I gave a speech at the graduation ceremony in 1977 and was recognized in many ways for my achievements. My parents and my brother were so proud they could have busted and they made no secret of it with me or others in that small town. In addition to this, I had a high-profile newspaper job in the small town I was raised in (for a teen) and enjoyed the exposure it afforded me to situations other kids my age may not have enjoyed. My self-esteem was through the roof and I was, truly, in danger of fallng into the trap of becoming a narcissist.
Upon graduation from high school, I was given a full-ride scholarship to college. I traded on that for a full-ride scholarship to the 'Western College Of Allied Health Careers', which allowed me to be out working and making money much sooner than spending time at a four-year college. I bought a car. I had the freedom to do as I pleased and have no regrets about my choices. I had worked hard in school and was tired of school. I was ready to live life. And I did exactly that on my own terms.
My sense of my own self-worth had a healthy start, and I soon learned that one's standing in a small town does not necessarily carry over to a larger city, where I ended up in my young adulthood. I learned some hard lessons about life during my college years in our State Capitol City of Sacramento, CA and did develop a high sense of self-worth, thus culminating in my healthy sense of self-esteem I have today.
I do not have any whom I could call close friends these days, because I have trust issues. I used to be able to enjoy close friendships, but I discovered by mid-life that I do not enjoy 'fake' people and their agendas, and those seem to be around in abundance. I can spot them coming from a mile away and it is in their best interest to stay away from me. They must sense this, because they usually do just that. Oddly, babies, small children and dogs really like me ... noneof which I care for a great deal.
The prototypical grandiose narcissist is characterized by arrogance, superiority, vanity, entitlement, exploitativeness, and the incessant need for acclaim from others. Those scoring high on measures of self-esteem, however, tend to feel satisfied with themselves but do not necessarily see themselves as superior to others.
I do fit the category of having high self-esteem. I own up to my mistakes, and I know and can admit when I have done wrong. I can forgive a slight fairly easily, but I NEVER forget, and I will bring it up two, four or ten years later. Oh, yes, I remember them, but these days I do try to treat them as life lessons and I also know that I do not let life happen to me ... I seek out life and I happen to it. Very often, I have a feeling a decision may be the wrong one and still go into a situation hoping that I can find the good in the outcome. I have actually found that good, at times. However, many times, I have impulsively tried to help people and put myself into situations that I really should have stayed away from. ... otherwise known as 'MYOB.'
The most widely administered test of self-esteem seems to be one called the 'Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. It has items such as ... 'On the whole, I feel that I have a number of good qualities,' and 'I am able to do things as well as most other people.' These items are not about being superior to others, but about having a healthy level of self-worth and self-competence.
After all this exploration of the difference between the two, I was able to figure out this much:
While narcissism absolutely correlated with self-esteem, the association is actually small. This suggests it's possible for someone to think they are superior to others, but still not view themself as a worthy human being. On the contrary, it's possible to think they are worthy and competent without thinking they are better than others. Narcissism, but not self-esteem, was associated with experiencing and expressing anger, and confrontational responses such as yelling, threatening, and physical aggression.
Narcissism, but not self-esteem, was also related to a tendency toward materialism. Narcissism was related to feeling central to one's social networks and also perceiving others in one's network as narcissistic, neurotic and disagreeable.
Self-esteem was strongly related to lower levels of anxiety, depression and other distress and narcissism was much more associated with externalizing behavior, including alcohol/substance abuse (including smoking), antisocial behavior, and aggression.
It's very clear from this analysis that narcissists are much more driven to get ahead than to get along. Narcissism is associated with the need to dominate others. In contrast, high self-esteem is much more associated with the need to like ourselves and to afford love, value, and dignity. For me, positive self-esteem also means believing in my capability and my autonomy to do things on my own rather than 'follow the leader.'
I think that my ideas, my feelings, and opinions have worth. I believe that self-esteem is how I feel about myself (inside and out) encompassing what I think about and value in myself and how I relate to others. It's also linked to how I feel others view, treat and value me. Holding myself in high esteem means that I hold myself in high regard. This doesn't mean I love everything about myself or that I think I am perfect.
Oh, no. On the contrary, it is very common for me to be self-critical and there are some parts of myself I am less proud of or happy with than other elements. High self-esteem can fluctuate, for me, depending on the circumstance. However, the positive thoughts about myself outweigh the negatives - and the negatives do not make me discount my worth as a person. In fact, without the 'negatives,' I would not be a well-rounded, mature, person. It takes time to become that way and I know that life is not finished with me yet. My hope is that I will be around a long time, yet, to see how I turn out!
The next time anyone calls me anything distasteful or an egotistical jerk ... I should probably thank them.
They will have just provided a strong endorsement of my mental health.
Darkmum
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